Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Air Conditioning FRIDAY!July 22, 2022
Late Night Snark: Is It Hot In Here? Edition
“All across Europe the heat is brutal. Today actually was the hottest day in the history of the UK at forty degrees Celsius. Americans heard that and were like, yeah we have no idea what that means.”
“Over 100-million people in the U.S. are under heat alerts. In fact, this week nearly 20 percent of the U.S. population will likely see a temperature at or above 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Remember when you wished that everyone who denied climate change would go to Hell? Unfortunately, Hell came to us.”
You are now below the fold. Now go back up and refill the ice bucket.
“The House committee investigating the Capitol attack held a primetime hearing tonight and offered a timeline of what former President Trump did at the White House during the insurrection. We tape early, but I’m guessing…watched TV???”
“Members of Pence’s [Secret Service] security detail were calling their family members to say goodbye. That’s how real the danger was. So anytime some Republican says this was just a normal tourist visit, remember that the guy at Disneyland dressed up as Goofy never has to call his wife to say, ’I may not make it home tonight, huh huh!’”
“The Secret Service lost all the texts from January 6th because they were doing a ‘device replacement program.’ It’s interesting how they’re saying, ‘Once you delete a text there’s no way to retrieve it.’ Yes, once they delete a text it’s gone. Cuz, you best believe if any of us ‘lost a text,’ the Secret Service would find the shit out of it.”
“Some rare encouraging good news out of Washington. The House voted to protect same-sex marriage and interracial marriage. It’s great. It’s also a little bit scary that they have to do this in the first place. Are we going to have to re-do all of our laws now? If that’s the case, I’d like to lock down the whole ‘women have the right to vote’ thing.”
—Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Kerri Washington
“Today was National Pennsylvania Day. ‘Where the hell is that,’ asked Dr. Oz.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 22, 2022
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday for disciplinary reasons. Back Tuesday with a retraction, an apology, a mea culpa, and regrets…I’ll have a few, but then again, too few to mention. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Weeks ’til the start of the Labor Day weekend: 6
Days ’til the Oregon Brewers Festival in Portland: 6
Percent of workers polled by Morning Consult who say they’re open to relocating to a state where abortion is legal: 47%
Percent of Americans polled by CNN who say they “strongly” favor and oppose, respectively, stronger federal gun-control laws: 52%, 19%
Amount by which the European Union has cut its greenhouse gas emissions since 1990: 30%
Percent of Americans polled by Marquette Law School who approve of the Supreme Court, versus 60% a year ago: 38%
Year the first person crosses Niagara Falls by tightrope: 1859
Puppy Pic of the Day: In Ukraine, tiny fluffy heroes…
CHEERS to House cleaning. The 8th Jan. 6 Committee hearing—and only the second in prime time—was last night, and I summarized as I watched. Gotta hand it to ‘em—they’re pros at focusing their message:
» During the violent insurrection being waged in his name at our nation’s Capitol by a mob of Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and assorted dead-end MAGA f*cks, President Trump sat in the White House dining room watching Fox News on the TV.
» And sat there.
» And sat there.
» Rep. Kinzinger: “He didn’t fail to act. He chose not to act.”
» And sat some more.
» On his butt.
» Watching TV.
» And eating junk food.
» And calling senators to stop the certification.
» And not calling in authorities to stop it.
» For 187 minutes.
And here’s big news: there will be more hearings in September because, in Liz Cheney’s words, “The dam ha sbegun to break.” Popcorn supply chain, don’t fail us now.
P.S. During the hearing they showed footage of Josh Hawley running into the Capitol to save the day. By which I of course mean Josh Hawley running over several old ladies and children to get out of the Capitol to save his own skin after fist-bumping the crowd just hours earlier:
Stay classy, Rusty.
CHEERS to today’s edition of HEY, AMERICA: HAPPY NOW??? Courtesy of your friendly local White House Chief of Staff:
This has been today’s edition of HEY, AMERICA: HAPPY NOW???
CHEERS to defying expectations. Thirty-two years ago this week, President George Bush—the relatively normal George Bush—announced that David Souter was his pick to replace liberal-leaning justice William Brennan on the U.S. Supreme Court:
Bush, who appeared nervous at the outset of the press conference, insisted he had not applied a “litmus test” of how Souter ruled in previous cases.
The president noted that Souter had been considered for a previous Supreme Court opening late in the Reagan administration and added, “I have selected a person who will interpret the Constitution and, in my view, not legislate from the bench.”
Souter’s progressive leanings took conservatives—and liberals, frankly—by surprise. (I believe their exact words were, “What the f….?!!”) But he did exactly what his appointer said he would: rule fairly and un-legislatively. We hope the 82-year-old is enjoying his long and happy retirement in New Hampshire cracking walnuts with his gavel. If anyone’s earned it, he has. (You, too, Justice Breyer.)
CH’CHING to money, money everywhere. No one matched all the numbers in the latest Mega Millions jackpot, so tonight’s pile of cash is worth the equivalent of 630,000,000 99-cent valu-packs of Brach’s candy corn. If you play, C&J reminds you: please have a snowball’s chance in hell responsibly.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to a good man to have on Lincoln’s team. On July 23, 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the larger-than-life general who helped beat back the Trump crowd’s traitorous ancestors by winning the Civil War (even though he fainted at the sight of blood—really) and then went on to spend a rocky, cronies-run-amok eight years in the White House, died in Mount McGregor, N.Y. at 63. Today we appreciate him for this nugget from the book Rating the Presidents:
He kept his own religious values and practice to himself.
In the larger view for the country, he believed in a strict separation of church and state, stating in his seventh annual message to Congress:
“As this will be the last annual message which I shall have the honor of transmitting to Congress before my successor is chosen, I will repeat or recapitulate the questions which I deem of vital importance which may be legislated upon and settled at this session. […]
Declare church and state forever separate and distinct, but each free within their proper spheres; and that all church property shall bear its own proportion of taxation.”
Go pay your respects here. But don’t leave him any cigars—they’re what killed him. Perhaps toss up a nice salad.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Look. It’s the middle of summer, everything’s reruns, and the networks are basically just a weekend banquet of fighting shows, game shows, news shows, dating shows, and cop shows. So take your pick and God bless. If you want to dive into something streaming (or actually take your chances in a movie theater), you can see what looks good at Rotten Tomatoes. Sports: the MLB schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here. Or, if you simply prefer brain torture, take your pick of these fine Sunday morning lineups, during which the Republican cultists will spout bullshit conspiracy theories unchallenged, while the Democrats will instantly be shut down because their reliance on facts and common sense might offend sensitive viewers:
Meet the Press: Al Gore; Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen; House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Elaine Luria (D-CA).
CNN’s State of the Union: TBA
This Week: Al Gore; Gov. Larry Hogan (R-MD).
Face the Nation: Commerce Secretary Gina Raimondo; House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Ukrainian Ambassador to the U.S Oksana Markarova; Miami Mayor Francis Suarez (R).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Jared Bernstein of the Council of Economic Advisers.
Ten years ago in C&J: July 22, 2012
JEERS to bird-brain bigots. The conservative Bible-thumping president of the restaurant chain Chik-fil-A would like nothing more than for gay people to just up and disappear so he doesn’t have to recognize their existence. But saying so publicly was a stupid thing to do! Now gay people are refusing to eat there and are switching to healthier food. When gay people eat healthier, they live longer. And if gay people live longer, pretty soon there’ll be enough of us to take over Chik-fil-A and rename it Chik-fil-Gay! Haters: so short-sighted.
And just one more…
CHEERS to coming in like a lion. Woo hoo! My zodiac sign—Leo—comes roaring in at midnight tonight. You know who’s a Leo? President Obama. Neil Armstrong and 35 other astronauts. Robert Redford. Madonna. The Far Side creator Gary Larson. Loni Anderson. Steve Martin. Stanley Kubrick. Andy Warhol. And what do we all have in common? Oh we hate to brag…
The Leo Woman is glamorous and regal. She isn’t complicated—in fact she’s more up-front and honest. She revels in the spotlight and often finds herself the center of attention. No matter how happy she is in her personal life, a Leo woman needs more. That usually means a career or, in some cases, an involvement in social or community affairs that showcase her creative interests and organizational skills.
The Leo Man [is] good-looking and personable and possess a swaggering grace that makes [him] attractive to women. They are friendly and good-natured, although they have a tendency to sulk. They have a strong ego and can seem preoccupied with their own concerns at times. Image is important to these men, and they take great care in cultivating just the right one for themselves.
…but brag we shall. Meow.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?