Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

July 29, 2022 0 By Ellen Novack

How the #@!!% did you get below the fold? I really need a new bouncer.

“Republican congressman Matt Gaetz spoke over the weekend at a conservative student action summit in Florida. Said Gaetz: You had me at ‘student.’
—Seth Meyers

“Most economists thought inflation would go away on its own. And some of the loudest voices on Wall Street were arguing against the Fed raising interest rates because they too thought inflation would be transitory. For instance, Jim Cramer—the answer to the question, what if a garbage can full of cocaine and business school pamphlets wished to be a real boy?”
—John Oliver

“Russia is pulling out of the International Space Station, when all we asked them to do was pull out of Ukraine. Is this a Google Translate issue?”
—Trevor Noah

“Nearly half of Republican primary voters are seeking someone [besides Trump] for president in 2024, and a significant number are vowing to abandon him if he wins the nomination. So that means the [Jan. 6] hearings are working. The former president has been betrayed by his closest friend: TV.”
—Stephen Colbert

“A former strip club has been turned into a Christian day school. It’s gonna be weird on Parent-Teacher Day when all the dads know their way around the building.”
—Jimmy Fallon

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 29, 2022

Note: To maximize your C&J experience to its fullest, please make sure I am financially comfortable for the rest of my life. Together, we can make a difference.  —Mgr.

By the Numbers:

WisconsinStateFair2022.jpg
6 days!!!

Days ’til the start of National Goat Cheese Month: 3

Days ’til the Wisconsin State Fair in West Allis: 6

Minimum number of gas stations now pumping the precious juice for $3.99 a gallon: 50,000 55,000

Percent of Democrats and MAGA cultists, respectively, polled by PRRI who oppose laws that restrict any type of birth control: 90%, 77%

Age at which Tony Dow, aka Wally Cleaver, died on Thursday: 77

Percent chance Beyonce dedicates her new album “Renaissance” to her late gay Uncle Johnny: 100%

Percent chance that the most popular anagram of Ron DeSantis is “sardine snot”: 100%

Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

CHEERS to outflanking the master flanker. Nobody beats Mitch McConnell at the game of Senate procedure. Nobody. Not gonna happen. Yertl the McTurtle is just too wily, too savvy, too string-pully. No one puts nothin’ over on him, especially not the Democrats. Even when he’s in the minority, he’s in total control. Right up until the moment he’s not:

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) said last month that he wouldn’t allow the Senate to pass a bipartisan bill on computer chips if Democrats tried to revive their “Build Back Better” agenda. On Wednesday, the Senate approved the bipartisan tech manufacturing bill, and hours later Democrats announced a breakthrough on their big domestic policy legislation.

mitchmcconnell-1500x1000.jpg
Awwwwwwwwwwwww………..

In other words, McConnell’s gambit failed.

I don’t even care what’s in the bill. (Thankfully AKALib does.)  McConnell finally got owned by the libs. Yee haw. Now the bill’s glide-path just needs to get the buy-in of Sen. Kyrsten “Thumbs Down to Everything Except My Jewelry” Sinema and the Senate parliamentarian whose first name is—[checks notes]—Ixnay. Go get ’em, Chuck!

CHEERS to outflanking the idiot flanker. And then there’s Congressman Matt Gaetz of Florida—born with a silver spoon in his mouth and no filters for what passes through his cranium mango. Currently under investigation for sex trafficking, he decided that the best strategy in the wake of the repeal of Roe v. Wade would be to row and wade himself into misogynist waters, and then quickly find himself drowning in self-ownage: (The cross-outs are mine because the total keeps spiraling upward.)

A 19-year-old abortion rights activist has raised more than $460,000 $600,000 $700,000 $1.4 million for abortion access after Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) publicly targeted her over her appearance.

“Dear Matt, Although your intentions were hateful, your public shaming of my appearance has done nothing but benefit me,” Olivia Julianna wrote in a thank you note to the congressman on Twitter. “Your hateful comments towards me will quite literally help pay for abortion services.”

Two words for ol’ Matt, counterintuitive though they might be to us libturds: “Keep talkin’.”

CHEERS to the hockey mom-turned-hepcat.  My, how time flies when you’re griftin’ your way to irrelevance.  This week marks thirteen years since Sarah Palin officially stopped governin’ in Alaska, having resigned after half a term because “only dead fish go with the flow” (a lie, but whatever).  After giving her farewell speech, she padded off to pursue her new passion of putting money before public service, but not before beat poet William Shatner put her tweets into the proper context on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien:

That was truly a crazy and surreal moment in time.  Conan O’Brien actually hosted the Tonight Show???

P.S. I was reminded this week that eight years ago Palin threw up the web site “SarahPalinChannel.com,” a subscription-only channel that was going to propel the half-term Alaska governor to new heights of power, influence, and (most important) fabulous riches. I checked and the site is now an online gambling portal presented in a language that’s not English. I guess her content was worth exactly what people ended up not paying for it.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to the first ringy dingy. 108 years ago, on July 29, 1914, transcontinental telephone service began when someone in New York called someone in San Francisco.  The conversation ended with the successful sale of a couple hundred bucks worth of term life insurance, a Thighmaster, and a donation to Woodrow Wilson’s reelection campaign.  Smooth sales rep.

CHEERS to home vegetation. It’s still the middle of summer (I checked), and that means the networks remain a weekend banquet of fighting shows, game shows, news shows, dating shows, cop shows, and, if you’re ABC’s 20/20 or NBC’s Dateline, grisly murder shows. Whoopie. If you want to dive into something streaming, you can see what looks good at Rotten Tomatoes. Sports: the MLB schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here60 Minutes features encores of reports on deepfakes and China’s foremost political cartoonist. But thankfully there is an all-new edition of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight Sunday at 11 on HBO.

 Now here’s the Sunday morning lineups:  

Meet the Press: TBA

ManchinonThisWeekJuly312022.jpg
Joe’s gonna be a busy boy Sunday promoting the Schumer-Manchin Inflation Reduction Act of 2022.

CNN’s State of the Union: Sens. Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Bill Cassidy (The Cult-LA); Rep. Ritchie Torres (D-NY); right-wing pollster Frank Luntz.

This Week: Sens. Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Pat Toomey (The Cult-PA); Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese; 

Face the Nation: Sens. Joe Manchin and Pat Toomey; president and chief executive officer of the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis Neel Kashkari; fresh pre-midterm poll results.

Fox MAGA Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Joe Manchin; Republican cultist and Michigan candidate for governor Tudor Dixon. 

Happy viewing!

Ten years ago in C&J: July 29, 2012

JEERS to blowing natural gas up our ass. It’s disappointing to hear that the EPA has ruled that the water is safe in northeastern Pennsylvania fracking country, although it’s interesting that one resident there says: “They recommended that we don’t use or drink the water, but told us they can’t go public with that.” Really. Here’s an idea: let’s pipe that water to the EPA inspectors’ homes and see how they enjoy living with it. How ’bout it, EPA inspectors? Wouldn’t that be a swell way to show you stand by your rulings with absolutely no reservations? Aaaaaand…cue the crickets.

And just one more…

CHEERS to Balloongate.  Ha ha ha…we can laugh about it now, right? Eighteen years ago today, on July 29, 2004, the exclamation point that was supposed to cap John Kerry’s acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention in Boston turned into an expletive-filled question mark when producer Don Mischer, not realizing his voice was going over the air, yelled:

“Jesus! We need more balloons.  I want all balloons to go, goddammit. I want more balloons. What’s happening to the balloons? We need more balloons. Balloons balloons balloons! What the fuck are you guys doing up there??!!”

Astonishingly, eighteen years later the republic survives, but only by a string. I blame the balloon handlers. 

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?



[