Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

August 2, 2022 0 By Ellen Novack

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 2, 2022

Note: Klondike has ceased production of its “Choco Taco” frozen treats. To fill the void, C&J is proud to introduce the “Floorito Burrito,” a sumptuous combination of dog hair, cat hair, June’s leftover broccoli florets from under the fridge, half-nibbled almond husks, and other assorted vacuumed-up goodies, all rolled up in a paper towel, dipped in chocolate that melted when we forgot to take it out of the car yesterday, and wedged in the freezer next to the 122 boxes of Choco Tacos we’re hoarding. Bet you can’t eat more than one!*

*Because one will probably kill you.

By the Numbers:

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3 days!!!

Days ’til the start of the Labor Day weekend: 31

Days ’til the North Branford Potato and Corn Festival in Connecticut: 3

Minimum number of Ukrainian refugees the U.S. has admitted in the five months since Russia’s invasion, another Biden promise kept: 100,000

Decrease in the average cost of bud in Maine’s recreational marijuana market over the last two years: -41%

Current per-gram market price of weed in Maine: $10.29

Age of Star Trek icon Nichelle Nichols and 11-time NBA champion Bill Russell, respectively, when they died Sunday: 89, 88
Number of years during which Sprite came in iconic green bottles, now being discontinued in favor of a clear bottle so that recyclers can get more uses out of it: 61

Puppy Pic of the Day: Meanwhile, in Ukraine

CHEERS to primary fevuh! After taking a break during July, the races to determine the candidates who’ll be the candidates in the midterm races continue. Today’s action is happening in six states, and I’ll summarize them for you here:

Arizona  This place is in the southwest United States. There are several heated races happening here. But at least it’s a dry heated races.

Kansas  This is where the black-and-white parts of the documentary The Wizard of Oz happened. Kansas has something the matter with it, but no one can quite figure out what so they keep writing books about it. Bob Dole was from Kansas, and Topeka has alligators in the sewers. There are elections here today.

Missouri What can you say about Missouri that hasn’t already been said? My goodness. Missouri, Missouri, Missouri. If Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware? I don’t know but Alaska. Ha Ha Ha always loved that one.

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Awesome, you.

Michigan  My first full-time job after I graduated from college with substantial honors and awards was program director of a radio station in Saginaw. Can you believe that up until recently a suburb of Saginaw had a drawbridge on I-75 where it crosses the Saginaw River? An interstate highway…with a drawbridge!  Coincidentally, the Saginaw River is what I tunneled under with a spoon to escape Michigan in 1993. It was in all the papers.

Ohio  This is the nation of my birth and also the home of Tony Packo’s in Toledo. Astronaut and Senator John Glenn was from Ohio, but he’s buried in Arlington National Cemetery because Ohio lost its fucking mind about a decade ago and really isn’t habitable anymore.

Washington  Washington is the Father of Our Country, but now I’ve lost my train of thought because my spellchecker gave me a red squiggle because it doesn’t like that I have two Washingtons in a row and believes this is in error, which it certainly is not as I am a professional writer. Oh great, another red squiggle because I didn’t make Washingtons possessive, and yes the Washingtons in this sentence are also getting red squiggles for not having apostrophes so I’m washing my hands of this nonsense and canceling all the primaries there.

You can catch all the informed, detailed, and up-to-the-minute results tonight via the Daily Elections Team liveblogging. I’ll be in my trailer throwing a tantrum.

JEERS to stupid, pointless do-overs. Because of Republican squawking over procedural bullshit, millions of the American veterans they claim to care about (more than Democrats, of course) continue suffering from the effects of exposure to toxic burn pits while on duty in war zones. Their excuses have been all over the map, but they all basically boil down to the same thing: they’re jerks who like to play games with other people’s lives. But thanks to a massive purple wave of public revulsion (shout-out to Jon Stewart and his sizable megaphone), another vote could be held today so the affected veterans can get the care they need. Worth noting that several Republicans will still vote against it. Some DNA just can’t be un-wired.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

JEERS to a first-class slacker. On August 2, 1923, Warren Harding’s heart went kerflooey and he died with his boots on in a San Francisco hotel at the ripe young age of 58. (I hope it’s ripe and young, because that’s what I’m turning Friday.) Although he won his 1920 election in a landslide and was popular while in office, his legacy quickly tarnished. In their book Rating the Presidents, William Ridings Jr. and Stuart McIver (along with 719 historians) rank Harding dead last. But our previous occupant of the White House is well on his way to bumping Harding up to #45 on the list, and they won’t have to tweak their conclusions much to fit Lord Dampnut:

Participants in the Ridings-McIver Presidential poll agree overwhelmingly that Harding deserves low marks for his poor performance in every category.

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“I am not fit for the office and should never have been here.”
—Warren Harding

His best rating, for the Political Skill category, apparently for his impressive election margin, was only thirty-eighth. He was ranked our worst president in the Leadership and Appointments category and next to last in the Accomplishments and Crisis Management and the Character and Integrity categories. Descriptive comments include such remarks as “out of his depth” and “over his head.”

The presidency demands a person versed in and interested in the great domestic and foreign issues of the time.  Alas, Harding was interested mainly in poker, bootleg bourbon, and willing women. He was, sadly, just a small-town politician, an average man in a job that demanded far more than an average man could deliver, or as poll participants describe him, “an amiable fool, incompetent, inept, corrupt, immoral.”

On the upside, he had normal-size hands, wasn’t a slumlord, and didn’t abuse his twitter account.

JEERS to stupid human tricks. With the Schumer-Manchin 2022 Build Back A Bit Better But Not As Better As We Originally Wanted To Build Back And Inflation Reduction Act (SM2022BBABBBNABAWOWTBBAIRA for short) on the high-speed track to fame and glory (and, we hear, inflation reduction), all eyes are now scouring the landscape for sparkles from a familiar jean vest belonging to Senator Kyrsten Sinema. Will she support it? Won’t she support it? Would she support it? Can she support it? Mightn’t she support it? I have the definitive answer right here:

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema, D-Ariz., whom Democrats consider a difficult negotiator, has been quiet about whether she’ll vote for the Inflation Reduction Act of 2022, released Wednesday. […]

A spokesperson for Sinema said Sunday she had no comment on the bill, adding that “she’s reviewing text and will need to see what comes out of the parliamentarian process,” referring to the Senate official who determines whether bills comply with the chamber’s strict budget rules.

Translation: she’ll consult with her investment-manager owners and get back to us five minutes before the vote.

Ten years ago in C&J: August 2, 2012

JEERS to the liar flier. Mitt Romney’s little Baintastrophe isn’t over. Now that he’s back on American soil, we can pick up where we left off, which was Romney denying he had anything to do with his old company between 1999 and 2002. Turns out he was quite the shuttle bug:

[A] new report from the Associated Press reveals that the former Massachusetts governor made several trips to Boston to meet with partners and other key employees at Bain Capital’s headquarters while running the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. The details contradict Romney’s claim that he did not interact with the company after leaving in February of 1999.

Shocking. And in the laugh line of the day, the Romney camp is branding Mitt’s European trip a “great success.” They forgot to finish their sentence: “…for Obama.

And just one more…

CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand.  With the lazy dog days of August here, I thought I’d head over to NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory site and see what’ll be up yonder this month as we drift down the nearest lazy river at night takin’ in the starshine and other celestial what-nots. This month’s big event is the Saturn All-Night Party Show and some cosmic swan diving, and here’s NASA’s Preston Dyches with a preview:

This month’s full “seasonal blue” moon is the 11th. Don’t forget to go outside, think of Neil Armstrong, and wink at the full moon, followed by the tradition August post-wink mantra: “Ouch—f*cking mosquitoes.”

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

I don’t want to see Cheers and Jeers in America end. The decline in C&J is going to have an impact on the general atmosphere of the country. There is something demoralizing about an empty kiddie pool.

Peggy Noonan



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